


Kindly Calm Me Down

by thelostsouls



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, CEO Magnus Bane, First Meetings, Happy Ending, Hurt Alec Lightwood, Journalist Magnus Bane, M/M, Matchmaker Isabelle Lightwood, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Magnus Bane, Soldier Alec Lightwood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-17
Updated: 2019-02-09
Packaged: 2019-10-11 19:26:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17452856
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thelostsouls/pseuds/thelostsouls
Summary: When an appointment for an interview on the effects of PTSD gets cancelled, Magnus finds himself looking for a new candidate to meet his deadline. Lucky for him his PA, Isabelle Lightwood, has an older brother who is diagnosed with PTSD after experiencing trauma in the army.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everybody! I hope you enjoy the story. I debated with myself for a long time whether I would post this as a oneshot or as a multichaptered fic, but in the end decided to make it multiple chapters because the word count is kind of getting away from me :)  
> Let me know what you think. English isn't my native language so I'll apologize in advance for spelling errors and grammatical mistakes.  
> I do not own the characters, they belong to Cassandra Clare.  
> The title is a song by Meghan Trainer

_When my world gets loud, could you make it quiet down?_

_When my head, it pounds, could you turn down all the sound?_

_If I lay in pain, by my side would you stay?_

_If I need you now, would you kindly calm me down?_

Magnus grunted and pried open his eyes, squinting in the bright morning light flooding through his floor-to-ceiling windows. Why he had insisted on spending all that money on those lightfiltering drapes, was beyond him. Half of the nights – or rather early mornings – when he managed to pry himself away from work, he was too exhausted to be bothered with closing them. The other half sleep didn’t even grace him with its presence and he mostly stood in front of his windows to look over his view of New York City from his penthouse loft. But he had insisted that he needed them, plus they looked amazing and fitted seamlessly with the rest of his décor, thank you very much. 

With his eyes still half closed, he managed to disentangle his legs from the sheets – honestly, how did they get tangled in them every single morning? – and made his way over to his kitchen. He let out a sigh of pure contentment when he flicked on his coffee machine and he heard it come to life. People who could function without caffeine shouldn’t be trusted in Magnus’s book.  
Sipping his coffee he thought back on the night before. He had an absolutely awful day at the office and to make things worse, the entire IT system had broken down at 11PM. Since every sane person in the building had long gone home to their wives and families, Magnus had been the only one there to try and fix it. At first he had been overly confident and had actually convinced himself that he would be able to fix it all by himself, even though he knew less than nothing about computers. He was the CEO of the company after all, he should be able to take care of everything that came with it.  
After two hours of trying – and failing – he had to admit that maybe he was in a little over his head. He had called the support desk and after waiting for another half an hour, he was connected with an operator who had told him that there would be someone coming by the office the next morning, there was nothing he could do about it at the moment. Splendid. Sighing in defeat , Magnus had made his way back home and had fallen head first into his bed at 3AM. 

Magnus knew he worked very hard. Too hard according to his friends and business partners, Cat and Ragnor. But he didn’t care. He had built up his company from scratch when he was only 23 and fresh out of college, a degree in business and journalism in his pocket. His dream had been to start up his own magazine. Something new and different. Not another magazine that posted paparazzi photos of Taylor Swift and boyfriend number 27 or published articles about “ 7 signs your relationship might be over”. He wanted to publish meaningful articles about real subjects and real people. With the support of his friends he had taken the leap and MB had been born.  
The first three years had been a struggle, with him working from his – back then significantly smaller – apartment. But his hard work had paid up and after three years he had been able to move to the top two floors of an office building. Cat and Ragnor both worked for the magazine as journalists and through an old college friend he had found Clary, an art student who was in charge of the design. When they moved MB out of his apartment, he hired five extra people to work for him, but it hadn’t stopped there. Another year later, he had bought a fashion magazine on the brink of bankruptcy and made it profitable again. He had renamed his company to MB Publishings. Right now, 8 years after the start of his first magazine, MB Publishings consisted of the entire office building and housed 12 different magazines and Magnus, at the age of 31, was CEO of a multimillion company who employed over a hundred people. His goal was still the same, providing decent material to be published in the magazines. He prided himself on the fact that he still read every article submitted for publishing, rejecting every page that wasn’t up to par. If this meant that he had very little of a social life and a non-existent love life, he thought it was a small price to pay. 

Downing the last of his coffee, Magnus started getting ready for his day. After showering, he carefully selected his outfit for the day. He prided himself in looking businesslike, yet fabulous. Today he chose to wear black slacks and a black, fitted, button-up, combined with a pale blue jacket on top of it. He carefully lined his eyes and dusted them with silver eyeshadow. He styled his hair in his usual gravity-defying way and sprinkled it lightly with glitter – everything looked better in glitter. Lastly he selected a couple of rings and necklaces to complete the outfit. 

“What do you think Chairman?”, he asked his cat who was lying on his bed. 

The cat purred and rolled over to look at him, making Magnus chuckle. “I’ll take that as a ‘you look wonderful Magnus’”, he laughed. 

Stroking the Chairman in goodbye, he made his way out of his apartment building and set off to work. Being the CEO of a big publishing company he could afford a driver, but who in his right mind would ever go anywhere by car in New York City unless they wanted to arrive at their destination at least a half an hour late. Magnus mostly took the subway to get to work, enjoying his commute to indulge his guilty pleasure, reading spy novels. 

When he arrived at work, he took the elevator to the top floor where his office was situated. He had barely stepped out of the elevator when he saw Ragnor coming out of his own office, an angry scowl on his face. This wouldn’t be good, Magnus thought. On a good day, Ragnor was already the equivalent to a grumpy old man, so Magnus knew he was in for a long hour of complaining when he saw the expression on his friend’s face.

“ Ragnor, my dear cabbage, what in the world could have happened to get your otherwise frowning face to look like this?”, Magnus asked when Ragnor came within hearing distance. 

“Shut it with the jokes Magnus”, Ragnor scowled, “We have a big problem, other than the fact that all our computers are down”. 

Magnus inwardly sighed. Of course there was a big problem. One day without big problems for him to fix was probably too much to ask, he thought to himself. He tiredly smiled at Ragnor. “Let’s go to my office, shall we? I have a feeling I will be wanting to sit down for this conversation. Preferably with easy access to hard liquor”, Magnus said. 

He and Ragnor made his way over to his office. On his way over, he passed the desk of his PA, Isabelle. She had been in her position for a year now, much longer than any other before her. She looked up from her computer and handed him a cup of coffee. He thanked her with a wink and went into his office with Ragnor in tow. 

While he was still shutting the door, Ragnor launched into his story. “It’s a freaking nightmare Magnus! In two days the deadline for publishing the magazine is up and I just got off the phone with the woman we were going to interview on the effects of PTSD on everyday life. Her husband had a skiing accident somewhere fancy in Europe and she’s flying out there! She cancelled!”, Ragnor exclaimed, while pacing up and down Magnus’s office. 

His initial response was to join Ragnor in his panicked frenzy, but he managed to stay calm. 

He moved to stand in front of his windows, very similar to the ones he had in his apartment. He always did this when he was thinking things through. There was something calming about standing a hundred feet above the ground, watching the hustle and bustle of everyday life going on down below. It was almost like you were too high above the ground to be touched by everyday problems. He did his best thinking in front of those windows. 

“Relax Ragnor”, Magnus began and held up a hand when he saw Ragnor was about to launch into a, without a doubt very detailed, list of reasons why they should in fact not relax. “This is not an ideal situation but we’ve managed tougher situations in the past. We just need to put our heads together and think of a solution”, Magnus continued. 

They bounced ideas back and fort over the next 30 minutes, but although they were able to come up with plenty of solutions, none of them were doable in the amount of time they had available. Magnus was just in the process of explaining to Ragnor why they couldn’t just walk into a mental health facility to demand they provide them someone to interview about PTSD, when Isabelle walked in with the mail. 

Magnus took this welcome interruption as an opportunity to propose a break to Ragnor and debate with himself whether it was too early to bring out the whiskey he had stashed in his office. He was just about to give in – it was 5PM somewhere – when Isabelle hesitantly interrupted his thoughts. 

“I’m sorry to eavesdrop, Magnus, but were you guys just talking about finding someone to talk about PTSD?”, she asked. 

Magnus nodded tiredly at her. “Yes darling, that is exactly what we are trying to do, but it seems like we’re failing majorly”, Magnus sighed. 

Isabelle seemed to be having an internal struggle about something, biting her lip. “I’m not 100% sure this is going to work, so don’t, like fire me or something if this goes wrong…”, she started. 

“You’re not really getting my hopes up here dear”, Ragnor interrupted her, eying her skeptically. 

Isabelle didn’t look taken aback by his comment at all. This was one of the reasons Magnus had hired her. Isabelle was a rock, you could throw anything her way and she handled it all with care and professionalism. 

“Oh hush Ragnor”, Isabelle said with a handwave that was meant to dismiss whatever Ragnor had just said. Magnus stifled a laugh at the look on Ragnor’s face. “I may have the solution to your problem”, she continued. Magnus nodded at her to continue. Isabelle took a deep breath and said 4 words that made Magnus and Ragnor’s day. “My brother has PTSD”. 

*** 

“No Izzy!”, Alec exclaimed through his phone. He was pacing in his living room, trying to keep the stress and panic he felt creeping up on him at bay. 

He had been just about to get ready to head to work when his phone had started ringing, his sister’s name flashing on the screen. At first he had been happy to hear from her, since she had a busy job and worked all kinds of crazy hours, making it harder for them to meet up regularly. 

She had made small talk with him for a couple of minutes before she had explained the real reason she called him. 

“Come on Alec! It’s not that big a deal, we can always ask them to keep it anonymous. No one would even know it was you. Besides they’re desperate to find someone. The person they were going to interview in the first place cancelled and the deadline is the day after tomorrow.”, Isabelle continued. 

“That doesn’t matter Izzy, you know I don’t feel comfortable talking about what happened back there. It’s already hard for me to do that when it’s you and Jace, let alone some journalist who is going to ask a million questions I either don’t know the answer too or am not willing to answer. Nu-uh, it’s not going to happen”, Alec said. 

“’Nu-uh’, what are you five?”, Isabelle giggled. 

Alec rolled his eyes even though he knew she couldn’t see him. Isabelle always managed to get these kinds of reactions out of him. She and his adoptive brother Jace, were the only two people who didn’t take crap from him and actually talked back when he snarked at them. 

If possible, he loved them more because of it, even though they could be a giant pain in his ass sometimes. Like right now, with Isabelle trying to convince him to do an impromptu interview with her boss. About PTSD of all things. 

“Look Alec, I know you’re hesitant to talk about this, but I really think this could be a good thing for you too. It’s not healthy keeping everything bottled up inside”, Isabelle pleaded. 

They had had this conversation a dozen times already. 

“I know Iz, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to open that can of worms in an interview with a magazine, don’t you think? That’s more like a fifth-session-with-a-therapist kind of talk”, Alec tried to reason with her. 

“Oh, so you’re saying you’re willing to see a therapist?”, Isabelle asked hopeful. 

Damn, he should have seen this coming when he used it as an argument. Isabelle and Jace had been trying to send him to a therapist for the past two years, but he always refused. 

Alec had been in the army since the day he tuned 18, seeking an out from his parent’s house and even more from his bigoted parents. 

He had come out to them when he was 17, tired of trying to live a lie to keep up the family name for his parents. When his mother had told him she would introduce him to yet another of her friend’s daughters, he had had enough and practically yelled at her that he was gay. From then on, his parents didn’t talk to him anymore, besides of course the weekly dose of “are you sure this crazy gay phase isn’t over yet”. The army had seemed an out for him. His parents couldn’t follow him there and he would be free to be himself. The days where you couldn’t be gay in the army long gone, he actually made some friends there. 

To his surprise he was also apparently very good at being in the military because he climbed ranks quickly and by the time he was discharged, he was Captain Alexander Lightwood. 

If everything had went according to plan, he wouldn’t have been discharged at the still young age of 28, but when in the military things regularly went their own way. 

Alec had been on mission when 5 members of his squad were kidnapped by enemy troops. He and the rest of the squad tried for 10 days to rescue them and when they were finally able to reach their location, they discovered all of them had been murdered. 

Alec had seen plenty of horrendous things during his decade in the army, but the sight of 5 people, who he considered family after everything they went through together, murdered tipped him over the edge. 

After he had returned home to New York he hadn’t been able to sleep, flashbacks plaguing his nightmares – because at that point he hardly could call them dreams anymore. He barely functioned anymore and his superiors had sent him to the army psychiatrist. PTSD, it’s funny how 4 letters can instantly terminate your career. He got prescription drugs and an honorable discharge and was sent on his way. 

The first months were awful. Jace and Izzy rotated between the two of them so he wouldn’t have to be alone in his apartment. He was constantly on edge, didn’t sleep or eat and jumped at every noise. He also refused to take his medication because it made him feel fuzzy. 

After 4 months, Izzy forced him to go see another doctor after he had nearly stabbed Jace when he went to the bathroom at night. The new doctor had changed his medication and after that, he gradually climbed out of the dark pit that had become his life. 

Six months ago, nearly a year and a half after his discharge, he had found a part-time job at the local bookshop and he was doing fine. He really was. Ok, maybe not fine but definitely okay. Sort of. Sometimes. 

Izzy was adamant that he needed to see a therapist to talk things through. Alec just thought they needed to leave him the hell alone. 

Snapping out of his thoughts, Alec tuned back into the conversation he was having with his sister. 

“No Izzy, I’m not seeing a therapist”, Alec sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. “Please stop pushing me”, he added for what felt like the millionth time. 

He heard Izzy sigh through the phone. “Ok, I will leave it alone. But..”, she said quickly before he could say something. “But, I insist on you doing this interview. You need to talk to someone and if you don’t want a therapist, Magnus is a good second choice.”, she continued. “Magnus is excellent at what he does. He wouldn’t ask inappropriate questions and he would respect it if you told him you weren’t comfortable discussing something. I’ve already told him a little bit about you, so he knows what he can expect”, she said. 

Great. “Thanks Izzy, you know how I hate it when people don’t know I’m a freak before I meet them”, Alec replied sarcastically. 

“Oh hush you”, Izzy chastised. “Magnus is a great guy. He also is easy on the eyes and still single by the way”, she added slyly. 

Alec couldn’t help but huff out a laugh. Izzy was always trying to set him up with every guy she came across. Apparently, dating would also help with his PTSD according to her. 

He rolled his eyes so hard he could practically see the inside of his head, but he could feel his resolve slowly melting away. “You so owe me for this Izzy”, he answered and promptly held the phone away from his ear when Izzy started squealing. 

*** 

Magnus was pacing in his office. It had been years since he had conducted an interview for an article himself, but Isabelle had been very clear that whoever was to interview her brother, had to be experienced. 

After she told him and Ragnor a little bit about her brother, Magnus had immediately decided he would do the interview himself. Not that he didn’t trust any of his other journalists with such a sensitive topic but he was a firm member of the “if you want it done properly, do it yourself”- club. 

So, here he was, pacing in his office while waiting for Isabelle’s brother to arrive. 

He was going over his questions in his head, all the while trying to remember everything Isabelle had told him. Don’t make any sudden noises. Don’t make any sudden movements. Don’t yell. Don’t come too close. Don’t pressure him. 

Magnus felt like he was about to interview a wild animal, not a decorated Captain in the US Military. 

Suddenly there was a soft knock at his door and he snapped his head to the door. When he looked up he had to force his jaw not to drop at the sight in front of him. 

Standing in front of him was a man who looked like – Magnus couldn’t think of a better way to describe him – sex on legs. He had dark brown, messy hair that had Magnus’s fingers itching to touch. His eyes were the perfect shade of hazel with specks of green in them. He had a pale complexion and his face looked like it was etched from marble. Magnus let his eyes roam over the rest of his tall frame. Damn.

Mr. Tall, Dark and Handsome was looking at him with an eyebrow raised and a confused look in his eyes. 

Magnus cleared his throat. “Ok, I’m back”, he sighed while shaking himself out of his temporary stupor. “I’m sorry darling but the room for the models is two floors down”, he added with a wink. 

To his delight, he saw an adorable blush creep over the man’s face.

“I’m not a model”, he mumbled under his breath.

“Well you certainly have the body and the face for it”, Magnus continued. “If you’re not a model, than how can I help you?’, he asked while still trying to ogle the man subtly. 

He might have the body to be a model, he certainly didn’t have the flair. Magnus saw him shuffling his feet and fidgeting with the sleeves of his jacket and wondered why he was so nervous. 

The man rubbed his hand across the back of his head in a way that made Magnus certain was a nervous habit. “I uh, I have an appointment with Magnus Bane for an interview”, he said. 

Magnus felt shocked. This was Isabelle’s brother? He cleared his throat; “I’m Magnus Bane.” 

*** 

This was Isabelle’s boss? Alec didn’t know whether he wanted to run back home or plaster himself against the man in front of him. 

When he had opened the door to the office his sister had pointed out, he hadn’t expected to come face to face with one of the wonders of the world. The man in front of him was the most beautiful man he had ever seen. From his shining green-gold eyes, to his gorgeous features and a body to die for. To top it off, the man had a beautiful velvety voice Alec could listen to forever. 

hen he had complimented Alec on his looks – seriously, him a model? – Alec had off course done his famous impersonation of a tomato. 

He quickly explained the reason for his visit and had found out the man in front of him would be the one he was supposed to spent a significant amount of time with while trying not to break down speaking about his PTSD. He suddenly felt out of his depth. 

He heard Magnus – or was he supposed to call him Mr Bane? – clear his throat. “Alright, Mr. Lightwood, I want to start by thanking you for taking time out of your day to meet up with me for this interview. I suppose Isabelle told you about the topic of the magazine article we want to publish?”, Magnus asked, back to the picture of professionalism. 

“Alec”, Alec answered. 

When he saw Magnus’s confused look, he elaborated “You can call me Alec. Mr. Lightwood is my father and I really don’t like being associated with him.”

Wow, he never gave anyone this much hints about his personal life, he surprised himself while promptly blushing again and looking at his feet. 

Magnus chuckled at this. “Okay, Alec. Although since I presume Alec is short for Alexander, I have to say I like Alexander better”, he added with a wink. “You can call me Magnus by the way.”

Alec really didn’t think his face could get any redder. Not knowing what to say or where to look, Alec let his eyes wander around the office he was standing in. It looked really nice, sophisticated even. It was easily half the size of his entire apartment and one entire wall consisted of floor-to-ceiling windows, showing off a view of the New York skyline. The view must be even better at night, Alec mused. Two other walls consisted of shelves filled with books and binders. In the middle stood a sleek, glass desk with a computer on top of it and two comfortable chairs in front of it. There was also a couch against the fourth wall. 

Alec turned his focus back on Magnus, who was looking at him expectantly. Alec was suddenly reminded he was actually here for business, well Magnus’s business but still, and not to ogle the man or his office. 

With another rub at his neck, Alec cleared his throat; “Right, um, should – should we get started?”, he asked hesitantly. He had never been in a situation like this so he didn’t really know protocol. 

Magnus smiled at him and gestured to the couch with a wave of his hand, while he himself grabbed one of the chairs in front of the desk and placed it opposite to the couch. 

“Before we get started, can I get you anything to drink? Coffee perhaps? Or tea?”, Magnus asked with a friendly smile. 

“Um, coffee please”, Alec murmured. 

Magnus pressed a button on his desk. “Isabelle dear, would you be so kind as to bring us two coffees please?”, he spoke. “You know my order already. Alexander, how do you like your coffee?”, Magnus turned around and asked him. 

Alec was just about to respond when he heard Isabelle’s cackle through the microphone. “I think I know my brother’s coffee order too, Magnus”, she laughed. “Two coffees coming right up”, she followed. 

Magnus smiled fondly at the microphone on his desk. Alec could tell he genuinely appreciated, maybe even liked, Isabelle. It made him feel warm to know his sister had found such a caring boss to work for. 

Magnus turned around with a flourish. “Let’s get comfortable, yes?”, he smiled at Alec. 

Alec settled himself on the couch and watched Magnus as he gathered everything he would need to conduct the interview. Isabelle entered with the two coffees and put them on the table near the couch. She smiled at Magnus and winked meaningfully at Alec while mouthing ‘Still single’ at him and pointing discreetly at Magnus. Alec rolled his eyes at her antics and took a sip of his coffee while watching Magnus set everything up. There was a certain charm and grace to his movements, Alec noted.

Magnus looked up and smiled at him when everything was ready. “First of all, I must ask you if you are comfortable with me recording the interview? That way I have my hands free and I don’t have to divide my attention between writing down you answers and talking to you”, Magnus began. 

“Oh, I, um “, Alec mumbled. He hadn’t really thought about Magnus wanting to record everything he said. What was he going to do with it afterwards? Was he going to let other people listen to it as well? Isabelle? What if he kept it and someone found it and recognized his voice? Alec was about to start panicking when Magnus continued. 

“If you are not comfortable with it, I can just take notes manually. There’s no pressure”, Magnus told him, holding up his hands. 

“Yeah, um, I’m not – not really comfortable with it being recorded”, Alec said. “I just don’t want anyone else to hear what I’m saying”, he added. Huh, he thought to himself, that was another piece of information he didn’t want to disclose. What was it about Magnus that made Alec let his guard down so easily already? 

He watched as Magnus made himself at ease in his chair and grabbed a notebook and a pen to make notes. 

“Alright Alexander”, he smiled. “One of the magazines that I own is going to publish a series of articles about various mental health issues. We wanted to interview people who suffer from these issues, but also professionals who work with them on a daily basis. Our goal is to inform the general public about these mental health issues and to try and break the stigmas and stereotypes that still cling to them. Your interview will be used in the issue dealing with PTSD. We had an appointment booked with someone else who suffers from PTSD, but they cancelled on us last minute. Isabelle overheard our conversation and volunteered to ask you to fill her place, as you already know”, Magnus explained. 

“I will ask you a couple of questions regarding PTSD and the influence on your daily life. If at any point you are uncomfortable with any of my questions, or need a break, you can just ask or show me in any other way you deem fit. Do you understand?”, he continued. 

Alec listened carefully and felt his heartrate increase during the explanation. He nodded his head jerkily and took a few deep breaths. He tried to calm himself down a little bit. Magnus hadn’t even asked his first real question yet, and Alec was already panicking.

“Alec?”, he heard Magnus say. 

He looked up and saw Magnus looking at him a little worried. “I’m sorry?”, Alec managed to get out. 

“I asked if you could tell me a little bit about yourself and the circumstances surrounding the onset of your PTSD?”, Magnus repeated hesitantly. 

Oh. Alec hadn’t even heard him ask a question. He cleared his throat and started fidgeting with his sleeves, a nervous habit of him. “I um – I’m 30. I’m from New York. Isabelle is my sister, you know that obviously”, his voice trailed off.

He thought about the second part of the question. The circumstances surrounding the onset of his PTSD. Wow, Magnus really just jumped right in, didn’t he. 

Alec felt his breathing quicken when he thought about that day, almost three years ago. He could almost feel the heat of the desert sun burning on his neck, feel the weight of his army backpack on his back, smell that distinct smell of sweat and – he didn’t have a better word for it – despair that he associated with battlefields. He felt his nails dig in his palms where he had balled them into fists, all his muscles suddenly tight and coiled, ready to attack when provoked. 

All of a sudden he felt a warmth on top of his left hand. He jerked his hand back and in one fluid motion jumped up from the couch and took on a defensive position. He flicked his eyes through the room, searching for the threat, when he saw Magnus sitting on his chair, his hand still stretched out in front of him and an uncertain look in his eyes while he looked at Alec. 

Alec blinked his eyes a couple of times and gradually relaxed his muscles. He felt awful. Magnus had only wanted to comfort him and Alec had practically attacked him without any reason. 

“I – I – I – I’m s-s sorry”, he managed to get out. He felt tears prickling in his eyes and tried to blink them away. “I’ve got to go”, he blurted out and he practically ran out the office. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the kudos on the previous chapter! I hope you like the rest of the story.

_When my heart's not pure_

_Would you kill my disease?_

_And when there's no cure_

_You are just what I need_

Magnus was still sitting in his chair, arm still stretched out in front of him, when the door to his office burst open and in stormed an angry Isabelle. 

“What the hell Magnus!”, she screamed. “What did you do to him?” 

She came and stood in front of him, her hands on her hips, fire in her eyes. Magnus swallowed and sat back in his chair, releasing the breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

Great, he thought to himself. He had managed to not only break one, but multiple of Isabelle’s guidelines in the first two minutes of the interview. Great. 

“I don’t…”, he started, looking up at Isabelle. “I don’t know”, he sighed. “I’m pretty sure I messed up greatly. It started pretty good, not great, but good considering”, Magnus explained. 

Isabelle was still looking at him as if she would rip his head off is he so much as thought the wrong thing. 

“I touched his hand”, he mumbled, looking down at his feet. 

Isabelle stiffened in front of him. “You touched – what – you touched his hand?”, she yelled. “I specifically told you to Not. Touch. Him. At all.”, she said, while she started pacing. “What do you not understand about not touching? It’s not that hard Magnus, look at you and me, not touching right now. You touched him? It’s still hard for him when me and Jace touch him so off course when you touched him…” 

At that point Magnus had the feeling she was talking to herself more than she was talking to him. He had never felt this bad about something. He knew he shouldn’t have touched Alexander, but his heart had ached for him when he had started withdrawing from the situation, his eyes somewhere stuck on something Magnus couldn’t see, stuck in a place Magnus couldn’t follow. 

Magnus shook his head. He didn’t even know why he did it. It’s not like he hadn’t ever seen someone get emotional during an interview. Hell, he’d been a journalist for nearly a decade, he had interviewed grieving widows, refugees, orphans. He had seen death and despair and grief. He had seen people cry and yell in sadness or anger. He had seen people completely break down and yet. 

Yet Alexander had managed to draw out something he had never felt before. Magnus had felt the need to protect him, to wrap him up in his arms and never let go, to do everything in his power to make sure that look never came across Alexander’s face ever again. 

Isabelle pulled him from his thoughts when her cellphone started ringing. She threw him one more murderous glance before she pulled it out of her pocket. 

Her eyes went wide when she saw the caller ID and she hurriedly picked up the phone. “Oh my god Alec!”, she exclaimed. “Where are you? Do you need me to come get you? Are you all right?”, she asked in quick succession. 

Magnus suspected Alec couldn’t even get a word in edgewise. 

Isabelle stopped talking and listened to what Alec was saying on the other end of the line. “Are you sure”, she asked with a dubious look on her face. “I can just give him a message for you, you know. If that would make you – All right, all right, no need to get snarky. “, she said with an eye-roll. “Hold on.” 

She placed her hand on the receiver of the phone and glared at Magnus. To be honest, Magnus had to admit he was a little bit frightened by Isabelle. 

“For some reason my brother did not wish to inform me about, he has the wish to talk to you”, Isabelle started. 

Magnus could feel his heart pick up and hope bloomed in his chest. Perhaps he could still make up for his colossal blunder and apologize to Alexander.

Isabelle continued: “He’s adamant that he speaks to you himself but I’m warning you Magnus, you upset him one more time and I will not be responsible for my actions.” 

At that she thrust her cellphone in Magnus’ hand and stormed out of his office. 

Magnus looked at the cellphone he was holding and took a deep breath before lifting it up to his ear. “Hello?”, he asked tentatively. 

At first there was nothing. He looked at the phone again to check the call was still connected. Which it was. 

“Alexander?”, he tried again. 

He heard a sharp intake of breath through the phone and then a very quiet “Hi” from Alec came through. 

Magnus heaved a sigh in relief that Alec was still willing to talk to him. “God Alexander, I’m so sorry”, Magnus started saying. “Your sister warned me not to… do what I did, and I’m just so so sorry. I hope you can forgive me.”, he said sincerely. He crossed his fingers, hoping Alec would indeed forgive him. 

“It’s – It’s ok, Magnus”, Alec sighed. “You shouldn’t be the one apologizing for doing something human, like touching someone’s hand.” 

There was a pause and Magnus quickly checked the connection again, fearing Alec had ended the call.

After a minute of silence, Alec continued. “I’m sorry Magnus. I ruined your interview. I’m sorry”. 

Magnus couldn’t help but feel his heart constrict at the devastation in Alec’s voice. The same feeling that had surprised him during the interview, snuck up on him again. He thought to himself, he would do anything in his power to make Alec feel better. 

“There’s no need to apologize Alexander”, Magnus said soothingly. 

When he heard Alec was about to protest, he quickly intervened: “Why don’t we agree that we both did some things we wished we wouldn’t have and we’re both sorry about it?”, he tried. 

At that he heard Alec huff out a laugh and his heart started beating faster. “Okay, let’s agree on that”, Alec said with a smile in his voice and if Magnus’s heart did a summersault at that, no one would know. 

“So”, Magnus continued, “Since we’re both sorry and we both acknowledged that we’ve acted a little silly” Magnus smiled as he heard Alec laugh at his statement. “What would you say about meeting up for drinks later tonight?”, Magnus asked while crossing his fingers behind his back. 

“You mean to finish the interview?”, Alec asked a little uncertain. 

“No. I mean, yes if you want to do that, but I meant just drinks. To get to know one another. We can discuss the interview part another time”, Magnus clarified. 

“I – I guess drinks sound fun”, Alec said. 

“Excellent!”, Magnus exclaimed, “How about we meet up at my office at 7 tonight? I know a bar that serves great cocktails not so far from here.”

“Sounds good”, Alec answered. “See you tonight Magnus”. And with that, he ended the call. 

Magnus took the phone away from his ear and felt a grin spread over his face. He was going to have drinks with Alec tonight. He had to go out to buy himself a new outfit. 

Walking past Isabelle’s desk, she eyed him critically and raised her eyebrow at him. “How did that go?”, she asked. 

“I apologized. He apologized. We agreed we were both idiots. We’re meeting up for drinks at 7 tonight”, he gave her the summary. 

Isabelle’s eyebrows shot up and she held out a hand. “Hang on, you’re saying that you are getting drinks with Alec, my brother Alec who never goes out with anyone, ever?” 

Magnus just sheepishly nodded his head. Isabelle held out her hand without another word. When Magnus didn’t make a move immediately she made a grabbing motion with her hand and gestured to the phone in his hand with her chin. Right, he still had her phone. He handed back the device and watched as she started typing away on it. 

***

**Isabelle 12:38**

Why am I hearing from Magnus and not from you that you guys are going to have drinks tonight?! 

  


**Alec 12:39**

Maybe because we only decided to go out and have drinks tonight 5 minutes ago? 

**Isabelle 12:40**

Details big brother! So, does this mean that you like him? Is it a date? Even if you do, I’m still not sure that I’m done being mad at him for what he did before. 

  


**Alec 12:41**

I’ve met the guy once, for like 20 minutes Iz… It’s not a date. It wasn’t his fault either. I’m going to hit the gym now, talk to you later? 

  


**Isabelle 12:41**

TEXT ME DETAILS! Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do! 

  


**Alec 12:42**

That’s pretty much nothing… Love you! 

  


Alec smiled as he put his phone away. He leaned back against the wall of the subwaytrain he was currently sitting in. 

After the initial panic had subsided, Alec had felt completely embarrassed about what happened. 

Magnus had touched his hand, not threatened him with a knife. He didn’t understand why he couldn’t just react to situations like that like a normal person. 

Determined to make things right, he had decided to apologize to Magnus, only to figure out he didn’t have any ways to contact him. So instead, he had called Izzy, although now he knew he had to endure her demanding all the details about his meeting with Magnus later. 

He refused to call it a date. It wasn’t a date. Oh god what if it was a date? 

  


**Alec 12:55**

If, in a completely hypothetical situation, this meeting tonight would be a date, what should I wear? 

  


Alec shot of a quick text to his sister. She would know what to do. Instead of just answering his text, apparently Izzy decided to call him. 

“Hi Iz”, he said. 

“Oh my god! I knew you liked him!”, Izzy screamed laughing. 

Alec rolled his eyes at her. “I don’t like him. The text said hypothetical by the way!”, Alec replied blushing. 

“You like him. But down to business. Wear that blue button-up I bought you for Christmas last year. The one probably all the way in the back of your closet”, she said. 

Alec guiltily realized the button-up was in fact somewhere strewn in his closet. He never even wore it.

“You know the one I’m talking about right?” Izzy asked. Damn, how did she do this? 

“Yes, I know”, he said quickly.

“Nevermind, just make sure you iron it first to get all the creases out”, Izzy said. 

“Thanks Iz, you’re a life saver”, Alec sighed. If this by chance happened to be indeed a date, he wanted to make sure to look the part. 

“You’ll thank me with cookies and chocolate, I’m sure”, Izzy laughed. 

Alec huffed out a laugh of his own. “Thanks again Izzy, bye”, he said with a smile on his face. 

“Bye big brother, I hope you score!”, Izzy cackled while he hung up the phone, shaking his head. 

He had just gotten off at his stop to head into work when his phone pinged with another message.

  


**Isabelle 13:15**

And for the love of god Alec, don’t wear one of your sweaters tonight.

  


Alec rolled his eyes again. His sweaters weren’t that bad. Right? Maybe he should go shopping later. 

***

Magnus was sitting at his desk, trying to look busy and not like a guy checking time every 2 seconds while waiting for someone he may or may not be going on a date with. 

Because Magnus had been going back and forth on the “Is this is date or not”- issue. He had even asked Cat and Ragnor on their advice that afternoon after he had gotten back from shopping for a new outfit. Cat had been sure that it was a date; which didn’t ease his nerves and Ragnor had told him he didn’t give a rat’s ass. 

He had contemplated about asking Isabelle, but in the end he wasn’t sure she wouldn’t punch him if he asked her these things about Alec mere hours after he had caused him to have a panic attack. 

So he would just have to wing it and hope for the best. Right now he was firmly planted in the “It’s a date”- camp. He just hoped Alec thought so too. 

Whether it was a date or not, Magnus had made sure he was dressed up to the nines. He had strolled through five different stores before his eyes had landed on the shirt he was currently wearing. It was a dark burgundy colored satin shirt with a deep V-neck that showed of his collarbones. He had paired the shirt with a black skintight pants and his leather jacket to top of the look. His myriad of rings and necklaces had been in place since this morning, so he decided to add them to the look. All in all he’s say he looked datable. 

If this in fact were a date. And with that thought he was back to his previous internal debate “date or not a date”.

He was pulled firmly out of his thoughts when there was a knock on his office door and his heart rate increased severely by knowing there could only be one person at his door at the moment. 

He rubbed his palms on his pants in an effort to calm himself, took three deep breaths and opened the door wide.

“Alexander”, he smiled, and took in the man in front of him. 

Yes, Alexander cleaned up quite nicely when he wasn’t wearing faded jeans and sweaters. Although he had looked equally beautiful in those this morning as in the button-up and skinny jeans he was wearing right now. Magnus thought Alec probably could wear a burlap sac and still look beautiful. 

“You look quite dashing I must say”, Magnus said with a wink. 

To his delight, he saw an adorable blush color Alec’s face and he made it his mission to see that blush as often as possible that night. 

“Um, thanks”, Alec mumbled while looking Magnus up and down. “You look quite nice yourself”, he added and if possible, blushed even harder. 

Magnus had to restrain himself from cooing out loud at the sight. 

Taking mercy on Alec he suggested they head out for drinks, which Alec accepted. The bar Magnus had chosen was one he frequented whenever he had a chance with his busy schedule. He liked the dim atmosphere making him relax instantly when he entered. He hoped the place would do something similar for Alec. 

They took a seat at a table near the back of the place. “What would you like to drink?”, Magnus asked him when they sat down. Alec was already fidgeting with his shirt sleeves so Magnus wanted to make him relax a little. 

“I’m not that much of a drinker, really’, Alec confessed. “Maybe you can suggest something?”, he added with a nervous glance at Magnus.

It was like he suspected Magnus would be offended by his statement. 

Magnus smiled reassuringly at him and told him he was in no way obliged to drink something alcoholic. If he was more comfortable, Magnus would even forgo the alcohol himself. This seemed to relax Alec and he insisted Magnus got him something he thought he would like. Magnus agreed and got up from the table with a wink to order them some drinks. 

When he returned he watched eagerly as Alec tried his first sip and widened his eyes in surprise, going back for a second sip immediately. 

After that, the ice was broken and conversation occurred smoothly between them. They talked about everything and nothing. Magnus told Alec about his business and how it had evolved over the years. He told him about his dream to publish meaningful articles about real issues and real people. 

Alec all the while looked at him completely enthralled by the story. Even though Magnus had assumed Alec wasn’t much of a talker, Alec surprised him by telling stories about his siblings. Magnus could tell by the way he told them and the way his eyes softened and a small smile graced his lips the entire time, Alec loved his siblings dearly. From what he had seen that morning in his office, he was certain Isabelle felt exactly the same about her big brother. 

Before either of them realized it, the bar was closing and they were kindly ushered out of there. 

Finding themselves out on the street again, Magnus was reluctant to end the evening. He wasn’t sure however, what Alec thought and he didn’t dare suggest they head over to his apartment out of fear Alec would think he wanted a one night stand. 

Before he could think of a solution, Alec interrupted his thoughts. “Do you, um, maybe want to go for a walk?”, he asked with a shy smile.

Magnus tried to ignore the way his heart started beating faster at the sight of that smile. “I would love to, Alexander”, Magnus answered with a smile. 

They walked around for what felt like – and probably were – hours before Magnus noticed the time and sighed. 

“I’m sorry Alexander. I’m having a wonderful time with you, but I have an early meeting tomorrow morning and I have to head home to get some sleep”, he explained. 

Magnus noted how Alec’s eyes fell in disappointment.

“I’m having a great time too. I understand however that you have to go”, Alec said. 

There was a moment of silence between them and Magnus realized he didn’t know how to proceed. Did he hug Alec? Kiss him? Alec answered the question for him by pulling Magnus into a brief hug. 

Magnus al but melted when he felt Alec’s tall body pressed up against him, feeling his defined muscles of which he until now only guessed their presence.

Alec pulled back too quickly for Magnus’s liking. 

Magnus smiled at him and gently kissed his cheek. He handed over his business card and winked at Alec. “Call me”, he said before he flagged down a cab and told the driver his address. 

Looking back at the sidewalk, he saw Alec was still standing at the same spot, touching his cheek with his hand, a dazed look on his face. 

Magnus sat back smiling. Definitely a date. 


	3. Chapter 3

_When I lose my mind_

_Would you still remind me?_

__

_When I'm feeling lost_

_Would you come and find me?_

_  
_

Magnus was sitting at his desk the morning after the date, trying to figure out a way to save the article on PTSD. He had to admit to himself that he wasn’t doing a stellar job at it, his mind wandering back to the previous evening every two or three minutes. 

He just chastised himself for daydreaming, _again_ , when Ragnor entered his office, Isabelle right behind him. 

“Please tell me you have some good news for me”, Ragnor practically pleaded. He was the editor in chief of the magazine in which the article should be published, so Magnus understood the stress he was feeling. 

“I’m trying to figure something out”, Magnus said trying to sound calming. 

Judging by the look on Ragnor’s face, it hadn’t worked. “We need something to publish today, Magnus”, Ragnor stressed. 

“I know Ragnor, even if you hadn’t told me about it a million times already today, I’d still know. I’m trying”. 

Ragnor scrubbed both his hands over his face in an effort to calm himself down. “Can’t you call the soldier again? Try and convince him to do the interview?”, Ragnor tried again. 

Magnus saw Isabelle stiffen from the corner of his eyes. Even if he wanted to call Alexander and ask him to do the interview today, he knew Isabelle would never stand for it. Neither did he actually. Seeing the man break down in his office yesterday had been quite the eye-opening experience. 

Isabelle had told him a little bit more about it when he had returned in the afternoon. 

She had still been mad at him for touching Alexander and setting him off, but when Magnus had explained the state Alexander had already been in Isabelle had told him that touching him probably didn’t make a lot of difference anymore. Whether or not Magnus had touched him, Alexander would have had an episode in the office anyway. 

Magnus knew about PTSD, had read up on it before deciding to put it on the list of mental health issues he wanted to contribute an article about in the magazine. But to witness it upfront and personal had been something else. 

He had asked Isabelle how she dealt with it, seeing that she lived with Alec on a more personal level. She had sighed and taken a seat. 

She had told him it was difficult, definitely in the beginning when Alec’s medication hadn’t been quite right for him. She told him that he did much better now, only having an episode once or twice in a month where it had been daily or sometimes more than once a day in the beginning. 

She told him that she and her other brother had lived with Alec for a year so he wouldn’t have to be alone in his apartment. Normally they took turns but one night they had both been there for dinner and although it wasn’t Isabelle’s turn she decided to stay anyway instead of going all the way back home just to come back the next day. 

She had been sleeping on the couch when there had been a crash coming from the bathroom. She had quickly made her way over there to see Jace pinned down on the ground by Alec, who had a knife in his hand and was trying to stab Jace. It were her screams that brought Alec back. When he saw what he had been about to do, he had had a panic attack and refused to come out of his room for two days out of fear he would hurt them again. 

At that point Isabelle had demanded he went to see a different doctor. After that he had gotten new medication and everything had slowly started to get better. 

After Isabelle’s story, Magnus didn’t know what to say. He had just stared ahead for a couple of minutes when Isabelle had put a hand on his shoulder. She had told him that it wasn’t easy being in her brother’s life and if he was serious about him, he should know this. 

Well, Magnus was all for effort. 

  


Magnus was in the process of explaining to Ragnor that he didn’t feel comfortable asking Alec to come back in again to talk about PTSD when his phone chimed with a new incoming message. He grabbed it from where it was laying on his desk and a small smile came across his face when he saw it was a message from Alexander. 

  


**Alexander 10:49**

  


Hi. I was wondering if you still need me to do the interview today? I thought about it a lot and I don’t want to be the cause of your magazine not meeting it’s deadline. If you have a free moment today I can come in to do the interview. 

  


Magnus frowned when he read the message. It was hard to tell whether Alec really wanted to do the interview or if he was just feeling sorry for the other day and was forcing himself to say he wanted to do the interview. 

“Magnus, seriously, stop pining over soldierboy and get your head back into the game!”, Ragnor nearly screamed at him. Apparently he had been talking to Magnus while he was reading Alec’s message. 

“Calm down cabbage”, Magnus said with an eye-roll. “Isabelle”, he continued “if your brother says he wants to do the interview today, does that mean he wants to do the interview today, or does that mean he thinks he has to want to do the interview today?”, Magnus asked turning to Isabelle. 

Frowning she said “Did he just tell you he’d do the interview?”. 

Magnus just nodded at her, while at the same time he was looking at his schedule to see if he could clear enough time to do the interview if it turned out that Alec really wanted to do it. 

“Well”, Isabelle said clearly surprised, “I would say he wanted to do the interview. Alec really isn’t the person to say he wants to do something that he’d rather not do. Certainly not something related to this”, she added. 

Magnus hummed to himself and turned to Ragnor, “Well it seems like you’ll be making your deadline if you’re willing to put in a few hours of nightwork this evening” 

*** 

Alec stood in front of Izzy’s desk at MB Publishings, fidgeting with his sleeves. 

“God Izzy, why did I agree to do this?”, he said while pacing up and down. 

Izzy flicked her hair to her back while popping a piece of apple in her mouth. “You didn’t agree to this Alec, it was your idea to begin with. Magnus was the one who agreed with it”, she told him with her mouth full. 

“Is it really necessary to remind me of that”, Alex exclaimed. 

Izzy rolled her eyes and stood up. She tried to put both her hands on his shoulders but due to their height difference, she had to stand on her tiptoes to reach him properly. In any other situation it would have been funny. 

“Listen Alec. I know you. The fact that you suggested this yourself, tells me you actually want to talk to Magnus about this”, she told him. “I know it’s scary, but you can do this. I’m right out here if you need me and you can stop at any moment. But to be honest, the fact that you want to tell Magnus, definitely after you’ve been on a date with him yesterday, is good. It means you might be ready to open up to someone.”, she continued. “You’ve been alone for so long Alec”, she said with sad eyes. “You deserve to be happy.“ Now get in there because Magnus is waiting for you”, she said while shooing him inside Magnus’s office. 

Alec nervously walked in the office to see Magnus sitting in the same chair he had been in the day before. 

“Hi”, Ale said shyly. Not only would he be talking about PTSD, but he would be talking about PTSD with a man he had been on date with yesterday – wait had it been a date? 

“Hello Alexander”, Magnus said with a warm smile while he gestured to the couch. Alec made his way to the couch and sat down. 

“Now”, Magnus said, “I know we didn’t really make the best start yesterday, but I want to thank you for willing to try again”.

“It’s okay”, Alec whispered while looking at the ground. 

“I know this is a very difficult topic for you Alexander. What has made you change your mind about doing the interview, if you don’t mind me asking?”, Magnus continued. 

Alec shrugged. It wasn’t really something he had consciously decided to do really. He had been at home after the date – he decided it really had been a date - and thought about the day that had just passed. Even after all Magnus’s reassurance that it really hadn’t been a big deal and that he would figure something out to make the magazine work, Alec still felt really sorry. 

The next morning he had decided to text Magnus to say he would still do the interview if Magnus still wanted him to. He wanted to make it up to Magnus. 

He looked up at Magnus to see he was looking straight at him. Damn, Alec could really get lost in those eyes for days on end. 

“I wanted to make it up to you”, he said. 

Magnus frowned a little at that. “You know you don’t have any obligation towards me, right? You don’t have to feel like you have to do this.”, Magnus said. 

Alec shrugged again. “I trust you”, he simply stated, because it was true. “I don’t know why, but I do”. 

Magnus looked at him with a smile that made Alec feel all warm inside.

“I’ll do my very best to honor that trust, Alexander”, Magnus stated. “Now, if you don’t mind, we can get started with the interview. Isabelle made it clear that I came on a little strong yesterday, so how about we just take it easy today?”, Magnus continued.

Alec took a deep breath and nodded. Magnus started him off easy with a couple of questions about his decision to join the army, how it had been for him, did he have a lot of friends there, stuff like that. Alec was still nervous in the beginning, but there was really something about Magnus that made him relax. He didn’t know if it was Magnus’s skill as a journalist, or if it was just something inherently _Magnus_

As Magnus posed his last question for the interview, about the events that lead to the onset of his PTSD, Alec managed to answer him and tell him about that day. He had been prepared for it this time, so he was marginally better at keeping the anxiety at bay. 

He tried to practice some of the breathing exercises he had learned over the years, but still he felt anxiety creeping up and his breathing getting shallow. 

“Is it okay for me to touch your hand Alexander?”, Magnus’s voice cut through the anxiety clouding his head. 

Surprised he looked up. No one had ever asked him whether he was comfortable with something and here was Magnus, a guy he had only known for two days, already taking in things Alec felt uncomfortable about. 

“Um, yeah. Yeah, sure”, Alec managed to get out. When he thought about it, he really was okay with Magnus touching him.

Even after Magnus had gotten permission to touch Alec’s hand, he still did it deliberately slow so Alec could still decide against it. He didn’t, so Magnus gently placed his hand on top of Alec’s. 

Alec jolted a little after the initial contact, but he felt a warmth spread through him. 

“You really don’t know how much I appreciate this Alexander”, Magnus said. “I think we have enough material for the magazine article now”. 

Alec allowed himself to relax after that statement. 

“You know, I would really like to take you out for dinner, as a thank you”, Magnus asked him. 

Alec’s eyes snapped up and a blush crept over his face. “R-Really? That’s, um I don’t”, Alec stammered. He really did want to go out for dinner with Magnus, but he didn’t know if this was something Magnus did with everyone he interviewed or if this was a date. 

Just as he was about to say something else, he heard Isabelle shout “He will be ready at 7 tonight!”. 

He groaned and Magnus started laughing. It was a beautiful laugh, really. Alec thought to himself that he would do anything in his power to make sure Magnus laughed like that more often. 

*** 

Alec was still on cloud nine a week after his date – this time it definitely had been a date – with Magnus. 

Had had been incredibly nervous about meeting up with him for a number of reasons. First he had been afraid something might trigger his PTSD and he would have another episode. He didn’t think Magnus would still be willing to meet up with him when he thought Alec could go off at any minute. 

And secondly, and maybe most important, Izzy had called him to quiz him about his feelings on the date. The _date_. Isabelle had called it a date. 

Alec hadn’t been on a date in almost a year, afraid to be himself around someone unfamiliar. But Magnus had made him feel at ease yesterday morning, even though he had panicked and fled the building. And he had made him feel relaxed again today with the interview. 

He could feel the possibility of _more_ hanging in the air and it terrified him. 

Magnus had the potential the break his heart and Alec didn’t think he could survive that.

In the end it had been Izzy who had reassured him that Magnus was a good guy. She told him he would never find someone to live his life with, if he didn’t take a chance on someone. Alec had reluctantly agreed with her. If he were to open his heart for someone, Magnus wasn’t a bad choice. 

And the evening had gone even better than Alec had anticipated. There were no awkward silences and the conversation between them had flowed naturally and easy. Alec had gradually felt himself relax and after dinner they had headed out to a bar to get drinks. 

When the bar closed, Magnus offered to walk him to the subway. 

Alec had felt the brush off Magnus’s hand against his own a couple of times and had internally debated whether it was okay for him to take hold of it. Throwing caution to the wind, he had reached out and entwined his fingers with Magnus’s. He was pretty sure no normal thirty year old would feel butterflies in his stomach from something as simple as holding hands, but when he glanced at Magnus out of the corner of his eyes, he saw Magnus was wearing an equally shit-eating grin on his face as Alec himself. Maybe he wasn’t the only one with butterflies after all. 

When they had arrived at the subway station, Alec reluctantly let go of Magnus’s hand. 

“This is my stop”, he said, gesturing to the subway. 

“I really had a wonderful time with you tonight, Alexander”, Magnus said all the while smiling warmly at him. 

Alec saw Magnus take a step closer to him and felt his heart began to race, only this time it wasn’t out of fear but out of anticipation. 

Magnus looked up at him and Alec saw his eyes flick from Alec’s own eyes to his lips and back again. He readied himself for the kiss he knew was coming, but then he saw Magnus hesitate . 

“I- I’m, hmm”, Magnus began. 

Alec was baffled by Magnus’s nervousness. Alec did awkward and nervous, not Magnus with all his striking confidence. He saw Magnus take a deep breath. 

“Look Alexander, I’m just going to come out and say it. I really want to kiss you, but I didn’t know how you’d react so”, Magnus said. 

Alec felt something warm settle in his stomach. Never had someone gone to such lengths to make sure Alec was okay with something. Magnus had deliberately held off on kissing him, to make sure Alec was okay with it, to make sure he didn’t react badly. Really, was there anything else Alec could do at that moment but kiss Magnus silly? 

Before Magnus got the chance to finish his explanation, Alec surged forward and slotted their mouths together. He felt Magnus stiffen at first, in surprise, but he got on board really quickly and started kissing Alec back. 

Alec didn’t think there would be anything he wanted to do for the rest of his life but kissing Magnus. He felt amazing. 

They stood there for a long time when the need for oxygen made them pull apart. Alec knew he wore a dopey grin on his face, but he didn’t care because he could see one mirrored on Magnus’s face too. 

“Wow”, Alec whispered. He saw Magnus smile. 

“Wow indeed, Alexander”, Magnus answered. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay for this chapter! It's a little shorter than the other ones and it has a really open ending. Perhaps one day I'll write a sequel to this. Thank you all for reading, for all the kudos and the comments!

One date turned into two, turned into three. Before Alec realized it, he had been on 5 dates with Magnus over the past two months. 

Following their first date they had started texting and calling each other daily. More often than not, it wasn’t to discuss meaningful or deep topics, but it was to talk about something funny they saw on the subway, or to text a picture of a funny-looking bird. 

Alec felt … at ease. Happy. 

He never thought he could have this, not after everything that had happened. At first he had been really nervous when he went out with Magnus, afraid something would trigger his PTSD. Or perhaps maybe even more afraid of the way Magnus would react if that should’ve happened. 

But after three perfect dates, Alec noticed that his worries were slowly fading away. He trusted Magnus, really trusted him. Magnus made him feel safe, cherished, protected. 

When he was with Magnus he could finally let his guard down, be himself. Magnus was patient with him and he always told Alec that he didn’t mind taking things slow. 

He always put Alec’s needs first and made sure he was okay with everything that happened. Alec still had to get used to being so cared for. He was used to taking care of himself, being the sole person he could rely on. 

Sure, he had his siblings but the love he shared with them was different than the way he felt about Magnus. It wasn’t love, Alec thought. Not _yet_ anyway, but he felt the potential. 

It was there in the way he felt when Magnus looked at him, really looked. Like he wanted to know everything there was to know about Alec. Like Alec was the single most interesting thing in the world.  
It was there in the way his stomach jumped when Magnus entered a room, when their fingers brushed on a walk through the parc, when he felt Magnus’ breath ghost over his neck when he was near.  
It was there when Alec returned home to his apartment to find it didn’t feel like home without Magnus.  
It was there when Alec thought about his future and found he couldn’t see one where Magnus wasn’t present.  
It was there when Magnus went beyond what was needed in order to comfort Alec, to make sure he was okay with what they were doing. 

For their fifth date, Magnus had shown up at the bookstore after Alec’s shift was over with a wicker basket in his hand. When Alec had asked him what it was for, Magnus had told him he had gone to the grocery store to pick up all the ingredients for Alec’s favorite meal, lasagna, and they had gone to Magnus’s loft. 

Magnus had cooked for him while Alec watched him. They had talked and eaten their meal and afterwards they had collapsed on the couch to watch a movie on Netflix. 

Alec was still amazed at how comfortable he felt when Magnus was close to him, touched him, kissed him. Apart from the first day they met, Alec hadn’t had a single episode. 

At first it had annoyed him because it made him feel uncomfortable, like he was holding a bomb that could explode at any time. The recurrence of his episodes had become something predictable. Something he had accepted would be a part of his life forever. So now, not having had a single episode over more than a month, he felt unbalanced. 

But on the other hand, he couldn’t help but wonder if Magnus was the reason for the absence of episodes. Maybe Magnus was the reason for a lot of good things happening in Alec’s life right now. 

When the movie ended, Alec noticed Magnus had fallen asleep against him. He looked at Magnus, the way his face was completley relaxed in his sleep. He wondered what Magnus dreamed about.

Even though Alec hadn’t had an actual episode in over a month, his nightmares were still a near-daily experience. He couldn’t remember the last night that wasn’t plagued with nightmares and visions. Occasionally there would be a night when there weren’t nightmares, but even then he slept restless and woke up tired. 

Magnus looked like his dreams were peaceful. 

Alec hesitated with his hand posed over Magnus’s shoulder. He hated to disturb the other man’s sleep. 

Gently, he placed his hand on Magnus and shook him. “Magnus”, he whispered. 

Magnus inhaled a little sharper and mumbled something incoherent before falling back to sleep. Alec couldn’t help but smile at the cuteness in front of him. 

He shook Magnus a little bit harder. He felt bad for waking him up, but if Magnus continued to sleep like this he would wake up with a terrible neckpain in the morning. “Magnus, wake up”, Alec said a little louder. 

Magnus blinked open his eyes and stared sleepily at Alec. “Is it morning yet?”, Magnus asked in a groggy voice. 

Alec chuckled at the sight. “No, it’s nearly midnight”, Alec replied. 

“Then why are you waking me up?”, Magnus said putlantly. 

“I thought you’d maybe want to head home so you can sleep in an actual bed”, Alec continued with a smile. 

Alec thought he could see disappointment cloud Magnus’s eyes for just a moment, but when he tried to take a closer look Magnus had already schooled his expression back to a neutral one. 

They had discussed this already. The fact that Alec didn’t feel comfortable in letting Magnus stay the night yet. It wasn’t because he didn’t want Magnus to stay the night, but the truth was that Alec was scared. He was scared that he would have a nightmare and he would hurt Magnus, he _could_ hurt Magnus. The thought of cousing harm to Magnus was abhorent to Alec and he would do everything in his power to avoid Magnus getting hurt, ever. 

Magnus had assured him that he could take care of himself and that Alec didn’t need to worry about him, but in the end he had respected Alec’s choice and had agreed on not spending the night. 

“You’re probably right”, Magnus sighed while he got up and stretched his arms above his head. Alec couldn’t help but let his eyes roam over Magnus’s frame. He promised to himself that he wouldn’t be the cause of that look of disappointment in Magnus’s eyes ever again. 

  


*** 

  


Magnus couldn’t believe that today it was aready four months ago that he had met Alec. They had been out on a couple of dates, well more than a couple if he was being honest, and it was going really well. Magnus enjoyed spending time with Alec a lot and he could feel himself falling for Alec hard. 

They hadn’t spend the night with each other yet and that was something Magnus understood, but it was also something he felt was unnecessary. He knew Alec thought he would hurt Magnus when he had a nightmare, but Magnus could take care of himself. 

Besides, he had been talking to Isabelle a lot lately, mostly about Alec, and Isabelle had told him that she hadn’t seen Alec like he was right now since before the onset of his PTSD. 

She thought Magnus brought out sometihing in Alec that made him relax and feel safe. So Magnus was pretty sure that Alec wouldn’t hurt him if he had a nightmare. _If_ he had one, because Isabelle was adamant that Alec wouldn’t even have one if Magnus was sleeping next to him. 

Magnus was’t sure how to bring it up though. He had a feeling that Alec shut down everytime Magnus even broached the subject. 

Sighing, he turned his attention back to the task at hand, namely cooking Alec dinner. Alec had texted him five minuted earlier to let him know he was on his way over after finishing his shift at the bookstore, so Magnus decided he should get a headstart on dinner. 

Even though he just told himself to stop thinking about it, he coulnd’t help but wonder how he could gently suggest Alec staying the night. 

He was shook out of his thoughts when there was a knock on his door. He wiped his hands on a towel and walked over to the door. When he opened it wide, he saw Alec leaning casually againt the doorframe.

He was looking spectacular, as usual, and he let his eyes roam over Alec’s body from head to toe with an appreciative smirk. As if on cue, Alec started blushing and it had Magnus practically cooing over him. 

“Alexander”, Magnus smiled, “come in”. 

He stepped to the side and let Alec enter his appartment. He was about to take his coat when Alec turned around and slid his arms around Magnus’s waist, pressing a soft kiss to his lips. 

“Hi”, he whispered against Magnus’s lips. 

Magnus was practically melting into a puddle of goo. “Hi yourself”, he said back with a smile. 

“I’ve already started cooking, so we should be able to eat in about half an hour”, he continued. 

Alec nodded his head and walked further into the appartment. “So, how was your day?”, he asked Magnus. 

Magnus loved this about Alec. He always asked about Magnus first. Magnus had dated his fair share of people, both men and women, but none of them had shown such an interest in him and in his life, like Alec did. It made Magnus all warm and tingly inside.

After dinner, Magnus and Alec had ended up on the couch, like they usually did. 

The television played something in the background, but Magnus wasn’t really paying attention to it. He was debating with himself whether or not he should ask Alec to stay over tonight. He really wanted to, but he didn’t know how to ask Alec.

Just when he had gathered up the courage to at least bring up the subject, Alec took the remote in his hand and turned off the television.

“Magnus, what’s bothering you?”, he asked. 

Magnus was taken aback by this question, how did Alec know these things? “Who says something is bothering me?”, he tried to divert.

Alec frowned and cupped Magnus’s face with his hand. “Don’t do this Magnus. Don’t shut me out”, he pleaded while looking back and forth between Magnus’s eyes. 

Sighing, Magnus decided to be honest with Alec. He had just been thinking about how to tell Alec that he wanted to stay over and now Alec practically demanded to know what he was thinking. Really, Alec just solved his problem for him. 

He took a breath and let it slip out in a sigh, trying to think about how he should say this. “I… I keep thinking about… I want to ask you.. but I don’t know how”, Magnus stuttered. 

Magnus was a blubbering mess. He cursed himself inwardly because if he could judge Alec’s facial expression the correct way, Alec was probably thinking Magnus was about to break up with him.

He took Alec’s hand in his to both steady himself and comfort Alec at the same time. He smiled at him,“It’s nothing bad Alexander, stop stressing”. He saw Alec visibly relax. 

“Look, I’m just going to blurt this thing out because I don’t know how to say this. I’ve been rehearsing it in my head for the last couple of weeks”, Magnus said. 

Alec looked at him expectantly, so Magnus took a deep breath and just jumped into the deep end. 

“I was wondering if you would want to spent the night, you know, tonight”, he asked in a rush. 

He mentally crossed his fingers that Alec wouldn’t freak out, because he could see the shock on his face when Magnus’s words registrered with him.

For a long minute, neither of them said anything. “I’m sorry, forget I said that’, Magnus whispered. He turned his back slightly to Alec so he couldn’t see the disappointment in his eyes. 

“No”, he heard Alec say and the little hope he had left plummeted. 

“I understand Alexander, really…”, Magnus started saying but was silenced when Alec held up a finger to his mouth. 

“You didn’t let me finish Magnus”, Alec said with a little smile playing around his lips. “I was going to say, no you should have told me. I always want to know what’s going on in your head Magnus”, Alec continued. 

Magnus smiled againt Alec’s finger, but didn’t say anything. He watched Alec sigh and run his hands through his hair and prepared himself for the rejection. 

“I… I’ve thought about it too”, he heard Alec say and he had to consciously try to not let his mouth fall open in surprise. 

“I’m still very scared that I could hurt you, but I would be lying of I said I don’t think about falling asleep next to you, or waking up next to you in the morning. About having breakfast with you. Or cuddling in bed”, Alec said and Magnus could see his blush becoming brighter with every word he said. 

He felt his mouth curve into a smile so big, his cheeks started to hurt. “So you’re willing to stay over?”, he asked and he wasn’t even embarrased about the hope he heard in his voice. 

He saw Alec still doubted whether this was a good idea, but after a minute of silence in which Magnus could practically see the gears turning in Alec’s head, Alec gave a small nod.

Magnus felt his heart soar and he tackled Alec against the couch, kissing him fiercly. He had to pull away when it became impossible to keep kissing because they were both laughing like idiots.

He settled back against the couch and looked up at Alec with a shy smile. “Are you tired already?”, he asked Alec.

Alec looked at him with a loving smile and just took his hand and pulled Magnus into the bedroom. 

  


*** 

  


Alec blinked open his eyes and shut them immediately when the bright light made his eyes tear up. He burried his head in his pillow with an annoyed grunt only to sit back up when he heard a slight chuckle next to him. 

He looked at Magnus in surprise, forgetting about the previous night in his semi-conscious state. 

When the memories came rushing back, he kept staring at Magnus in wonder. He had slept through the night. He didn’t have a nightmare. Not a single one. And he felt rested, like he had been sleeping for days instead of eight hours. 

He saw Magnus was looking at him with a triumphant smile on his face and Alec just knew he would have to endure Magnus’s gloating the entire day. But he didn’t care really, Magnus had been right all along. They could share a bed without accidents. 

Alec leaned over to Magnus’s side of the bed and hugged him thight. 

“Thank you”, he whispered to Magnus. 

He felt Magnus frown against his shoulder. “Why are you thanking me?”, Magnus asked. 

“Because you.. you fixed me”, Alec said pulling back to look into Magnus’s eyes. “You fixed me”, he repeated while he felt tears drip down his cheeck. 

Magnus pulled up his hand and wiped away Alec’s tears. “Hey”, Magnus said softly, “don’t cry”. 

Alec shook his head. “No, these are happy tears”, he said smiling. 

They kept looking at each other, each with a dopey grin on their face. Alec couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have found Magnus. Magnus was the best thing that could ever happen to him. He had never dreamed that he could have this, be this happy, with someone. Ever. Even though Izzy kept pushing him to open up his heart, kept telling him that he was worth the wait someone had to put into him. He had never believed her. And now, he had Magnus. 

Alec felt like his heart was about to burst in joy and, he realized, love. He wanted to tell Magnus how grateful he was for this, for him, but he couldn’t find the right words to express it all. So he chose to tell him the one thing he was certain off. 

“I love you”, Alec whispered, looking into Magnus’s eyes.

“I love you too”, Magnus answered with a smile. 


End file.
